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Sep. 28th, 2013

It's bad enough I always feel insecure whenever I send Pooh for a wash and watching it sun dry for days.
It's worse this time round when I know it may not come out the same.

Kinda screwed up after all

After reading one of those emo romance novels that I've been reading, I started reflecting on my life and my reaction to things and... I realise I'm kind of a warped character.
No doubt my inability to get into a relationship easily would probably be attributed to my parents (I'm not going into detail about this in this post) but that's not all. I run and I hide. Not just from a relationship but from my emotions and from potentially emotionally trying situations.

It wasn't always like this as I was quite outgoing in primary school and would even say I was pretty popular too. Not that I wasn't in secondary school. Forgive me for saying so but I think I was pretty high profile in secondary school but even then, looking back, I used to hide in obscure corner early in the morning or whenever I feel like I couldn't talk to anybody and even in the cupboard of instruments in the band room. Even after progressing to junior college, I remember the few times I went up to the roof top to be alone.

I don't remember any hiding places in university as there wasn't a fixed time to be in school so I could always find reprieve elsewhere or even at home when everyone else was at work. What about right now? Of course I wouldn't be able to find a hiding place in school now but I think I don't even have time to hide at work. Instead, I start seeking refuge in reading emo novels to allow myself to cry. It may be for the characters' pain but more often than not, I start relating to their psyche, thoughts, pain and troubles.

I wonder where this revelation came from.


The ugliness inside

Recently, people getting married, getting together or giving birth is starting to affect me more than I previously thought it had.
The affection and willingness to give is so overwhelming that it really touches the depths of my soul.
The love for a spouse
The love for a child
The love for a friend

Somehow, it almost feels as though I'm incapable of such a thing and it stings.
I look inwards and see a bottomless pit of darkness, void of that ability for love.
And that's what hurts.
I only see traces of ugly, spite, selfishness and laziness.

The people I used to deem as uncommitted to perfecting the hymns in choir are in fact,
the ones who are committed to loving the people around them, loving God.
And it tears me up inside, to have been blind to that.


The heart isn't ready

Started out as a typical boy-hater
Dressed in boyish clothes and short-cut hair
Snapped at rowdy herds of trouble-makers
Rolled my eyes without a care

Feeling trapped by childish fears
Slipping surreptitious glances, just falling short of a voyeur
Immersing in two dimensional characters
Indulging in fictional happily ever after

Time whips by and the heart changes so much it's suffocating
One by one, friends fall, deep, in this thing called love
Before you know it, the wedding bells rings
Adorn with blissful smiles, they go forth with blessings from above

Putting on a facade of indifference
Laughing it off, entertaining pointless illusions so naive
Foolishly wishing for a part in that, for deliverance
Yet, the heart isn't ready to give

So they say, "Let nature take its course"
Yet others say, "Seize the day!"
You shouldn't try to attain it with force
But happiness doesn't just fall in your way.

The mind is clear, the mind is aware
Faults, weaknesses, inadequacies clearly perceived
But the heart, it still needs time to prepare
The heart, isn't ready just yet to be deceived


Indeed, isn't it foolish to yearn to be loved
When you're not willing to take the risk
Not willing to sacrifice
Not willing to open up

How can one hope to be loved
When you don't know love
Don't acknowledge love
Don't give love


An aww moment...

je suis à toi
I'm yours

avec toi je suis enfin à la maison
With you, I'm finally home

[from Beautiful Bastard, Bennett to Chloe]



Snap. The sound of a broken twig.
Snap. The sound of broken pencil.
Snap. The sound of a broken nerve.
Snap. The sound of a teacher's wrath.

Snap. The sound of a picture taken.
Snap. The sound of a bright idea formed.
Snap. The sound of someone enjoying music.
Snap. The sound of a shared piece of chocolate.

Snap. Can you hear it?
Snap. Can you feel it?
What kind of snap will you cause today?



An adult we always yearned to be
Wishing the years would fly by
Wishing for the time of freedom
And wave the endless studying bye

A step into adulthood we take,
Society's expectations we embrace
A peek into a different aspect of life
Drawn into yet another grueling phase

Back to the past we want nothing more
We look back and lament our loss
What we would give for a chance to relive
The days that now seem like candy floss


With age and time we learn why
Time moves forward and not back
Reminisce we may try
Hope in the future, we shouldn't lack


Feeling really stressed up at work.
All the additional responsibilities and expectations are really getting to me.
I just want to be a small fry, going unnoticed.
I don't think I can last long in this state.

Besides that, I think I'm really giving up on the male species.
Or any relationships for that matter.
Empty promises.
Obviously some people don't care enough to give me time.
Or maybe I didn't want it to happen anyway.
"Tough luck, suck it up!" my logical self tells me
but the wayward kid in me is throwing tantrums and causing me to crumble emotionally.
Should really stay away from that species.

It hurts even more when I feel like I can't tell anyone about these things.
I know everyone has their own problems and wouldn't give a damn about my problems.
And that it's my own fault for not trying to build bonds with others but it still hurts.

Funny how I find myself at ease typing my ramblings here, knowing no one will actually read this.
"Get a life," says my evil twin, the more sensible one.



Am finally back here as I really don't know where else I can say this.

I feel so stressed out at work I feel like crying almost every alternate day.
I want to tell someone but I can't seem to even tell my closest friends.
I don't want them to be all sympathetic and yet I do crave comfort.
Even I can't understand myself. 
I can't post on fb cuz my colleagues and family are there.
I can't post on twitter cuz most of my friends are there too.
Seems like as of now, the only way I can express myself vaguely is through random doodles.



Alright, Van is back after like what, a year? And she is back to the kpop scene for CNBLUE.

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